The abused react...as abused.
I watch a married couple, two people very close to me, two equally wounded individuals from very different backgrounds, go back and forth snapping at each other on a regular basis. From my perspective, neither of them hardly ever has ground to react in such a way, but the response is so knee-jerked, there hardly is time to really think whether they are justified.
I watched a young mom whose daughter throws violent tantrums and will hit her and throw things at her and instead of disciplining, the mother will react as if the daughter should instinctively know her feelings are hurt; as if the mother has taken all this personally, which to be fair, is probably very difficult not to do.
I myself sometimes react to my argumentative daughter defensively, even responding in sarcasm or condescension, immediately regretting my choice. The way I treat my mother sometimes takes me by surprise and I have to turn around to apologize.
Having apparently gotten into a heated political discussion with someone I care about on Facebook (I say apparently because I was not aware it was heated at all until I read her latest response), I had to take a step back and think. Why is she reacting this way? Why does she assume my tone is what she thinks it is? Perhaps she is a wounded person? My statements, completely neutral in my mind, were probably taken as angry and lashing out at her.
It's so very curious to me. I wonder if I stop reacting as if abused, how that would affect my day-to-day thinking and interactions with other people? But how do I stop?
Have you read Ekhart Tolle's "A New Earth"? He has some thoughts that relate to this, it's one of those hippy-dippy new agey books but maybe you don't mind.
ReplyDeletexoxo jb
Also I want to say I've only just noticed how much my upbringing made me a desperate people-pleaser. It's not just that I want people to like me, I want them to like me so that they won't yell and throw things at me.
ReplyDeleteOH!! Are you talking about me in the first place? Hee hee! That could be. I hope not, because I didn't think you were lashing out at me.
No! Not you, Jill! I forgot to tell her early on that I love her like I did with you, I think that might have been where I screwed up.
ReplyDeleteI like to joke and call us 'the Bickersons' (an old comic strip)
ReplyDeleteSometimes it's hard not to be emotional about political stuff, I'm not sure why. But it's the emotions that mess me up every time. from mom as anonymous