Time to Regroup

I'm attending a Christian divorce support group called Divorce Care. This is my second time through the 13-week session. Yes, it's been four years, but I've learned that it can take up to five to really heal from a divorce. It's a good reminder of what I've always known and at one time practiced. I subscribe to their daily emails, each one an encouragement and lesson to help us grow spiritually through this awful process. This one especially has stood out because I find it's where I repeatedly trip up (Note the paragraph in bold). I thought I'd share.

Resetting Your Expectations
Day 27

You have certain expectations in your daily life. Expectations of yourself, your children, your family members, your friends, and your former spouse. Until you stop and think about it, you may not realize just how high your standards are for yourself and for those around you. To move forward into the future, you need to learn to reset your expectations.

Consider how much you are asking of yourself and how much you can actually handle. Also, do you expect more from others than is realistic under the circumstances of your divorce? If you find yourself getting upset because someone does not live up to a certain expectation of yours, then maybe it's time to back off and reset that expectation.

Dr. Jim A. Talley says, "You expected somebody to do something. That person didn't do it, and you get mad. What makes you even madder is that person doesn't seem to give a rip that he or she didn't do it. Now you're really hurt, and you begin to boil on the inside. You shift at that point to real bitterness. You have to go back and reset your expectations to what you can control and deal with. You can't force other people into your expectations."

Reset your standards to a place where you can function, and examine your motivation for having that expectation in the first place.

"People may think they are doing what is right, but the LORD examines the heart" (Proverbs 21:2 NLT).

Heavenly Father, sometimes I expect too much and for the wrong reasons. Show me how to reset those expectations to a healthy and productive level. Amen.

Chronicles of an Ex-Wife

I used to blog (on a different site) about life lessons, mistakes I've made (boy I've made some), and how I planned to overcome them. I used to focus on my own actions and reactions to how I was treated rather than the treatment itself. Of course if I was treated negatively, it would affect me. I would hurt. But I still would try to gain knowledge of my own character and attempt to grow from whatever I experienced. Somewhere along the way I've fallen off this track. I've justified whatever impulsive actions I made on the basis of, "But he did this!" or "She said this!" Where I once committed those people to the laws of sowing and reaping, aka karma, I now have taken things into my own hands...thus reaping my own actions.

I could easily account for all the nasty, abusive things done to me. I could easily justify all the horrible, nasty things I've done in return; but as justifiable as they may be, they were still horrible and nasty things. They were still bad decisions. The right decision would have been to continue on the higher road, no matter how much pain I endured. I still would have my character to stand on. Not only do I look at my present character and see a deflated replica of what once was admirable, now others who I highly respect do too. "But...but they don't know the whole story!" No. Doesn't matter. I made a choice. "But...she has no idea everything this man has done!" No. Doesn't matter. I made a choice.

I made a choice to befriend an untrustworthy person for what I thought was the benefit of my kids. I made a choice to disclose certain feelings and thoughts to this person; to divert down a road of bitterness and gossip with this person. Yes, I know. "But...! But she stabbed me in the back!" Doesn't matter. I made a choice.

I made a choice to take matters into my own hands. To attempt to shine certain lights on actions taken against me, or just actions in general, that I'm sure were hidden from the new woman in the picture. "But...she has no idea!" Doesn't matter. Not my responsibility. If I were to start over with someone new, I would want my past mistakes erased too. "But...! But he lies!" Not my business. She has chosen deceit.

Throughout all this, I really did make attempts at rebuilding my character. I listened to a show devoted to the perspective of the step mom. I invited them to functions and when it looked as though my daughter would miss out on an event because she would be at her dad's, I suggested she invite the new mom. Of course these things are either overlooked by, or unknown to them. Doesn't matter. In their eyes, whatever mistake I make screams in comparison and from here on out, whatever I do will give them cause for accusation, which should completely justify me to question their character. But doesn't that defeat the purpose of this life lesson? It is my responsibility to question my own character and my own motives. It is their responsibility (whether they accept it) to question theirs. And it is the responsibility of those who have turned away from me without coming to me first, to question their own.

I've accepted God's grace. It's time I let go of the actions taken against me and give it up to God as well. They deserve to walk in grace just as much as I do. Someday restoration will come. I have to believe that and I have to do my part to achieve that. My part isn't to show them I'm not horrible. My part is to not be horrible. I'm not going to become a doormat again. I'm just going to make better decisions.

Make sense?