Chronicles of an Ex-Wife

I used to blog (on a different site) about life lessons, mistakes I've made (boy I've made some), and how I planned to overcome them. I used to focus on my own actions and reactions to how I was treated rather than the treatment itself. Of course if I was treated negatively, it would affect me. I would hurt. But I still would try to gain knowledge of my own character and attempt to grow from whatever I experienced. Somewhere along the way I've fallen off this track. I've justified whatever impulsive actions I made on the basis of, "But he did this!" or "She said this!" Where I once committed those people to the laws of sowing and reaping, aka karma, I now have taken things into my own hands...thus reaping my own actions.

I could easily account for all the nasty, abusive things done to me. I could easily justify all the horrible, nasty things I've done in return; but as justifiable as they may be, they were still horrible and nasty things. They were still bad decisions. The right decision would have been to continue on the higher road, no matter how much pain I endured. I still would have my character to stand on. Not only do I look at my present character and see a deflated replica of what once was admirable, now others who I highly respect do too. "But...but they don't know the whole story!" No. Doesn't matter. I made a choice. "But...she has no idea everything this man has done!" No. Doesn't matter. I made a choice.

I made a choice to befriend an untrustworthy person for what I thought was the benefit of my kids. I made a choice to disclose certain feelings and thoughts to this person; to divert down a road of bitterness and gossip with this person. Yes, I know. "But...! But she stabbed me in the back!" Doesn't matter. I made a choice.

I made a choice to take matters into my own hands. To attempt to shine certain lights on actions taken against me, or just actions in general, that I'm sure were hidden from the new woman in the picture. "But...she has no idea!" Doesn't matter. Not my responsibility. If I were to start over with someone new, I would want my past mistakes erased too. "But...! But he lies!" Not my business. She has chosen deceit.

Throughout all this, I really did make attempts at rebuilding my character. I listened to a show devoted to the perspective of the step mom. I invited them to functions and when it looked as though my daughter would miss out on an event because she would be at her dad's, I suggested she invite the new mom. Of course these things are either overlooked by, or unknown to them. Doesn't matter. In their eyes, whatever mistake I make screams in comparison and from here on out, whatever I do will give them cause for accusation, which should completely justify me to question their character. But doesn't that defeat the purpose of this life lesson? It is my responsibility to question my own character and my own motives. It is their responsibility (whether they accept it) to question theirs. And it is the responsibility of those who have turned away from me without coming to me first, to question their own.

I've accepted God's grace. It's time I let go of the actions taken against me and give it up to God as well. They deserve to walk in grace just as much as I do. Someday restoration will come. I have to believe that and I have to do my part to achieve that. My part isn't to show them I'm not horrible. My part is to not be horrible. I'm not going to become a doormat again. I'm just going to make better decisions.

Make sense?